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Monthly Archives: March 2012

1 month

Last night, I asked Mark what time it was, he said – Midnight.  At the same time we both thought/said – It’s been a month since the miscarriage…….a month.

It has been quite the month for me, a miscarriage and all of the emotional and physical things that go along with that, a brand new position at work, crazy amounts of school work, going off Diet Pepsi, and my grandpa’s health taking a crappy negative turn for the worse.

As I sit here, I have tears in my eyes, I am overwhelmed today by emotion.  Since just a couple days after the miscarriage, I haven’t really cried about that or much of anything.  I have been kinda numb.  Last night, after I left my grandparents, I have been emotional.  I am SO happy, thankful, blessed and lucky, but some days; you just need to cry.  I feel sad that I am not having a baby, I feel sad that my grandpa is in so much pain, I feel sad that my grams is exhausted because she cares for the man she has loved for like close to 60 years, and STILL loves him so much,(which I find BEYOND inspiring) and sadly, I do miss Diet Pepsi!!!

Last week I was talking with my gramma about how she was dealing with my grampa being so sick and things not being great.  She said – “well I know what will happen,” and I asked how she feels about that…. Her response made me SO overwhelmed, I called my sister right away to tell her.  She said – “I know I will be fine, because I have all of you.  Our family is so close and I know I will be fine.” She also said she has always felt like we were so close like a mother/daughter relationship – I left there feeling SO lucky.

Anyhow – I am all over the place today, just needed to vent out all the things I have been thinking in my head for the last month. Wow, it’s been a wild ride, but I wouldn’t change it for anything.

1 month later, I get to celebrate one of the cutest/most inspiring little kids I know – my niece Vanessa.  She is SO  smart, loving, caring, sweet, funny, and just plain cool – she was my first niece or nephew and I will NEVER forget that feeling…..ever. xo

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Posted by on 03/23/2012 in Uncategorized

 

Diet Pepsi

I have an addiction. To diet Pepsi. It’s a bad one.
Here’s how I knew I had an actual problem.
So I drink one dp every day, sometimes 2, but that is rare. This had been a regular habit since 2003-ish.

This past weekend I had decided to cut back-I bought a bottle so I could just have some at a time and not waste the can. So Monday I came home from my first day at my new job, made healthy choices and NO DP – a little stressful but no big deal. I had 8 assignments to be working on. One due that day the other 7 by Thurs.
I could NOT even function. Not even joking.  I was in pain and my telltale sign of DP withdrawal is a headache-I don’t really get them otherwise. I felt like it was a migraine. It literally disabled me.
How ridiculous is that?!
Therefore – my sweet husband enabled me because he knew I needed to be able to do some homework and got me one. I felt amazing within 30 min….
So I have a goal – by this weekend to no longer drink DP or have it in my home AND make all attempts to stay away from Aspartame and other artificial sweeteners. 🙂

Doesn’t it look SOOOO delicious!!!! Mmmmmmmmmmm

 
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Posted by on 03/13/2012 in addiction, Uncategorized

 
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GRANDparents

GRANDparents

This picture warms my heart and will forever remain SO special to me that BOTH of them were able to be there to support me and our wedding.

I was a lucky girl growing up – I had ALL FOUR of my grandparents until 2001.  I had very different relationships with both sets of grandparents but both were/are special in different ways.  My dad’s parents lived next door to me my entire childhood, literally.  Across the property! They looked after us often before school and we would come off the bus and go hang out there til our parents came home from work.  We had Bisquits (a dutch treat I don’t know how to spell!!) and would watch our grandpa twiddle his thumbs in the sunroom while he watched us play.  We had a typical grandparent relationship with them.  Loved to visit and be with them, I have SO many amazing memories of them.  My Grandma got to meet Vanessa, only as a baby, but to me that was SUCH a special thing.  I wish I had a picture!!! On my dad’s side; my grandpa passed away in 2001 and then my grandma in 2006.

My mom’s parents, I have always referred to them as my young grandparents.  They are quite a bit younger than my other grandparents were.  They helped my mom A LOT with me when I was a baby (colic) 😦 and I think maybe that is why we had bonded so well.  I always felt like I can tell them anything and they won’t judge me.  My grandpa worked at GM and was retired for as long as I can remember.  We used to go on bike rides from Vineland to the Parkway in the Falls, fishing, Port Dover and they even came and supported Nick at his graduation from the RCMP in Regina, Alberta.  That made me SOOOO happy.

My grandpa has always been SO strong, he has had SO many different kinds of cancers, holes drilled into his skull because of a hematoma, diabetes FOREVER and the list goes on – I always joke with him that he is like a cat and has 9 lives!! He is a true fighter. He is in the hospital right now, as he is in so much pain, it’s unmanageable.  I PRAY SO hard that he will come out and continue to fight, but I just felt I needed to pay tribute of some sorts to all 4 of the amazing people that affected my life in a HUGE way.  I feel SO blessed that I enjoyed all 4 of them for so long and am grateful to still have 2 living.

GRANDparents are just that. xoxo

 
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Posted by on 03/08/2012 in Uncategorized

 
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My Fitness Pal

So, this isn’t something I told myself I would never write about but after giving it MUCH thought, maybe I NEED to write about it.

I suck at working out, I suck at eating healthy over long periods of time, I suck at commitment in this area period! I have been doing lots of researching lately and talking to people in my position and I am definitely NOT blaming my weight/health on my job, but I am REALLY starting to see how working shift work can mess with your life.  Lots of these things are not new to me.  About 10 years ago when I started there, I basically had to give up all my commitments.  I could no longer commit to anything.  I worked every other weekend, and switching from days to afternoon every other week.  How can you commit to anything when you will miss every other week, if not more?! I made some attempts with school and a LIFE group, but it was SO difficult, I eventually gave up.  I miss having a LIFE group, I wish I could play baseball and hockey again, I just want to be able to be a part of things again!   Next Monday I start my new position where I work Mon-Thurs 8-4,….so I have high hopes for my life!!! 🙂

Another issue is sleep.  I am one of those people, I don’t like to sleep in late – I feel like I have wasted my day if I do.  PROBLEM – I am a night owl, so when I work til 11 it’s great, I often am up til around 2am.  It used to be closer to 3 or 4am…but I am growing up!!!!  The problem is then I wake up by 8 or 9am and just never get caught up on sleep.

Now, another issue is eating habits.  When you work days – it’s fine, but when you work afternoons, I often don’t eat all morning til noon.  Then dinner, you eat around 5…well by 11:30pm, you are hungry again. As you can see it’s a vicious cycle.  I am REALLY hoping that working mostly 8-4’s will help this issue along with the sleep.

I have some goals, that a couple months ago, I would never have shared, but maybe I need to put it out there – accountability?!?!?

Last January I lost 24 pounds, and felt like I was on a FABULOUS path to taking control back.  After a cruise in late February and some crappy realizations (I didn’t eat all that bad on the cruise and we were out walking etc every day – I gained like 8lbs in 10 days-depressing) I got peeved and gave up!  Then when I got pregnant, I took the bull by the horns and lost weight, not cause I was vomiting every day-I was fine, but exercising daily and eating great.  My Doctor was so proud!  Since the miscarriage, I have been eating horribly.  I definitely realized I am an emotional eater.  BUT I need to stop this cycle.  I want to exercise 4 times a week and continue to follow my fitness pal.  I have been following MFP for months, but as of the last 6 weeks have probably been over in calories most days.

I have dreams.  I want to be healthy for kids one day, I want to run a 5 or 10K, I want to join a running club, I want to play sports again and not feel insecure, I want to feel good again.  I do go for walks a lot and love hikes, but I want the real deal – a race!!! I especially want to do this one day!!!! http://toughmudder.com/

I don’t ever want to diet or for this to be a fad, I want it to be a lifestyle change.  I want to eat pizza sometimes, probably still drink Diet Pepsi and randomly go to BP, but overall, I just want this to be my lifestyle, not just for a season.

Cheers!  Here we go again!!

 

 
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Posted by on 03/05/2012 in Uncategorized

 

Grief

Grief myth – Tears of grief are a sign of weakness.

Truth – Crying is a way of releasing tension and emotion.  It also communicates to others the need to be comforted.  One who expresses tears shows their willingness to work through their grief.

So, this has been weighing on my mind A LOT this past week.  Last Thursday, I was 13 weeks pregnant.  I woke up at 6am to get ready for my day shift and by 6:45, I knew I was no longer pregnant.  That is when the grief started.  First I was mortified by what was happening physically, then sad and in disbelief and now that most of the physical symptoms have ceased; the grief has set in.

Miscarriage.  Studies say it happens in 1 of every 4 pregnancies.  Because 80% of miscarriages happen in the first trimester, the overall risk of miscarriage after the first trimester is about 3%.  I was in the 2nd trimester,  only by 1 week.  But it was still one week.

The support by those who knew (which wasn’t many) has been OVERWHELMING.  Mark and I hadn’t told anyone other than family and a few super close friends.  That was mostly my doing.  I had this weird paranoia.  I just wanted to hear a heartbeat….something to know all was ok, before I brought people onto this amazing journey we were embarking on.  Well that day I miscarried was the day we were to hear it.  It never came.  

As sad as I am and right now, just taking each day as it comes; what comes to mind often is how BLESSED we are.  Like I said, the support has been amazing.  Truthfully, there isn’t a word strong enough to show my appreciation.  We have the BEST families.  We were sent flowers, cookies, prayers, many phone calls, texts and even a drive over just for a hug. 🙂 OVERWHELMED is still where I am at.  

This has probably been one of the most challenging things I have been through – realizing that NO MATTER WHAT, I have this amazing family and most importantly, a husband who stepped up like I never expected!  I don’t mean that in a rude way – he is amazing.  If you have read any of my other posts – you know all too well that I feel this way 🙂 He came right home (he was on his way to work as well) and spent the next 4 days with me.  Crying together, laughing together, being with family and just being.  As hard as those first few days were it also brought me such a sense of relief.  It made me realize that we can take it.  We can handle anything together.  We just need faith, family, friends and eachother. 

Having a natural miscarrige was gross, painful, and so traumatic.  It is not something I would wish for anyone.  I know Mark and I were both surprised how attached we actually were already.  Like I said, I knew before 7am that morning that I had miscarried.  I felt so upset, delivering the fetus and what all comes along with that is honestly the grossest thing.  I felt like I needed my Doctor to come over and just check.  Just tell me that it was real.  I was definitely in denial for a bit, which felt strange cause I knew right away.  I think when your mind just doesn’t want something to be true, it really messes with you!  I felt a sense of failure. I felt like I had just lost the last 3 months.  I followed all the rules! No alcohol, regular excersice, no deli meat, cut back HUGE on caffeine. (yes people, I only had one DP a day!!!) BUT, I have peace in believing these 2 things; God doesn’t give you more than you can handle, and He holds the plan for our life.  Maybe there was something wrong, I don’t know and never will, but I just have to trust in knowing these things. 

 
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Posted by on 03/03/2012 in Uncategorized