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Grief

03 Mar

Grief myth – Tears of grief are a sign of weakness.

Truth – Crying is a way of releasing tension and emotion.  It also communicates to others the need to be comforted.  One who expresses tears shows their willingness to work through their grief.

So, this has been weighing on my mind A LOT this past week.  Last Thursday, I was 13 weeks pregnant.  I woke up at 6am to get ready for my day shift and by 6:45, I knew I was no longer pregnant.  That is when the grief started.  First I was mortified by what was happening physically, then sad and in disbelief and now that most of the physical symptoms have ceased; the grief has set in.

Miscarriage.  Studies say it happens in 1 of every 4 pregnancies.  Because 80% of miscarriages happen in the first trimester, the overall risk of miscarriage after the first trimester is about 3%.  I was in the 2nd trimester,  only by 1 week.  But it was still one week.

The support by those who knew (which wasn’t many) has been OVERWHELMING.  Mark and I hadn’t told anyone other than family and a few super close friends.  That was mostly my doing.  I had this weird paranoia.  I just wanted to hear a heartbeat….something to know all was ok, before I brought people onto this amazing journey we were embarking on.  Well that day I miscarried was the day we were to hear it.  It never came.  

As sad as I am and right now, just taking each day as it comes; what comes to mind often is how BLESSED we are.  Like I said, the support has been amazing.  Truthfully, there isn’t a word strong enough to show my appreciation.  We have the BEST families.  We were sent flowers, cookies, prayers, many phone calls, texts and even a drive over just for a hug. 🙂 OVERWHELMED is still where I am at.  

This has probably been one of the most challenging things I have been through – realizing that NO MATTER WHAT, I have this amazing family and most importantly, a husband who stepped up like I never expected!  I don’t mean that in a rude way – he is amazing.  If you have read any of my other posts – you know all too well that I feel this way 🙂 He came right home (he was on his way to work as well) and spent the next 4 days with me.  Crying together, laughing together, being with family and just being.  As hard as those first few days were it also brought me such a sense of relief.  It made me realize that we can take it.  We can handle anything together.  We just need faith, family, friends and eachother. 

Having a natural miscarrige was gross, painful, and so traumatic.  It is not something I would wish for anyone.  I know Mark and I were both surprised how attached we actually were already.  Like I said, I knew before 7am that morning that I had miscarried.  I felt so upset, delivering the fetus and what all comes along with that is honestly the grossest thing.  I felt like I needed my Doctor to come over and just check.  Just tell me that it was real.  I was definitely in denial for a bit, which felt strange cause I knew right away.  I think when your mind just doesn’t want something to be true, it really messes with you!  I felt a sense of failure. I felt like I had just lost the last 3 months.  I followed all the rules! No alcohol, regular excersice, no deli meat, cut back HUGE on caffeine. (yes people, I only had one DP a day!!!) BUT, I have peace in believing these 2 things; God doesn’t give you more than you can handle, and He holds the plan for our life.  Maybe there was something wrong, I don’t know and never will, but I just have to trust in knowing these things. 

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Posted by on 03/03/2012 in Uncategorized

 

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