Butterfly

I believe that God gives each of us different gifts.  I believe that God has given me an insane amount of empathy and sensitivities towards other people.  I often know things/feel things about people that they haven’t shared with me.  I feel burdens for others and sometimes grief of others as well.  I have come to embrace this gift God has given to me over the last 8 years.  I used to get very upset about why I was the way I was, however, now I embrace it and allow it to be used for good. 

May 6, 2012 my Grandpa died.  It changed everything.  We are such a close family.  Us kids grew up one street away from them.  We have family dinner every Sunday night, and often my Grandparents would come.  As my Gramps got sicker, they came less.  For about 6 weeks before my Grandpa died, our whole family really came together.  We were there every day.  My brother Nick moved home very shortly before he passed.  A fond memory near the end, that I have is this: my brother had completed his time with the RCMP in BC and was given a plaque.  My brother was telling him about it.  My Grandpa was so in and out of conversations and what was going on for weeks, but my brother said, “if you would like to see it I can bring it” (the plaque) and my Grandpa said that he wanted to see it.  My brother thought ok, I will bring it tomorrow or whatever.  NOOOOOoooooo, my Grandpa meant right then!  We all kinda looked at eachother like – really?!! Anyhow – my brother quickly went home and got it.  We have a picture of my brother and Gramps looking at the plaque together just a few days before he passed.  SUCH a special moment.  He was always and for sure still is, SO proud of him.  

Now every Sunday, my Gramma comes for dinner.  May, June, July, August and September we ate outside.  EVERY single time we were about to eat, a butterfly would appear.  It would flutter all around all of us.  Even sit on us.  I have felt that this is my Gramps letting us know he is still with us.  I don’t believe in reincarnation or anything like that.  However, I do believe in signs and gifts God gives us to remind of us things and people.

I LOVE butterflies (even though I am scared of them!)   

 

overwhelmed

I haven’t written in some time.  I felt it was best I didn’t cause sometimes I ramble, sometimes I am rude and blunt and sometimes I just need time to process, so I did.  The last week and a half has been crazy, hard, sad, joyous.

Do you ever feel like life JUST gets going smoothly and then BAM, your car has to go in the shop 3 times in 2 weeks, the plumber has to come out twice in a week, and work is different and new-ish and everything around you FEELS as though it’s falling apart.  I had that day today.  I am normally not a negative person, but today, watch the frig out! I am mad, sad, emotional, and the next second happy!!  My car is busted again, and today while I was at the Hospice, I was on the phone with the mechanic and had to rip apart my console just to flip some switch to override the shifter. SOOOO annoying.  Grrrrrr

An update on other things: Just over a week ago things got a lot worse with my grampa.  My gramma, who had been looking after him on her own, full time for over a month, finally agreed that she wasn’t able to do it anymore.  I made some calls last Monday morning and by Monday afternoon, McNally hospice said he could come live there.  It was fast. Amazing. But fast.  My brother just came home for good from out west too, perfect timing.  🙂  For about 5 days most of my time was spent with my whole family at my grandparents.  I realized then remembered how lucky I am.  I may lose members of my family, but I need to begin to ALWAYS remember the good that was had, the amazing memories and cherish every second.  I realized that our family may not be perfect, but at the drop of a hat, we would do ANYTHING for eachother and just be there.  I knew that, but needed the reminder.  I remember when I miscarried, my sister and her family and my parents were there for us letting us know they cared SO much….INSTANTLY! amazingly lucky!!!

Today kinda broke me a little bit.  The “singing ladies” came to the Hospice to sing to people.  They come to each room and ask if there are songs that the patients would like sung to them.  They sang 3 hymns.  All of them seemed to talk about death, and how God is there with you.  The Lord is My Shepherd has a line that says: “Yea, though I walk in death’s dark vale, Yet will I fear no ill.”    I lost it.  I started to cry.  I looked at my grampa and just thought, I can NOT imagine what he might be feeling right now, but maybe that is JUST what he needed to hear.  My gramma told him to thank the ladies after.  After speaking no more than 5 words the whole time I was there, he asked us to all fold our hands and pray.  He prayed for the ladies.  I have NEVER heard him pray, and it made me SO proud, that my grampa who is SO sick, was thinking about others.  This is how I want to live my life.  Hospice and the AMAZING people that work and volunteer there have changed my life.  I will forever join them in fundraisers and speak highly of them.  http://mcnallyhousehospice.com/

So in a sense my feeling of “overwhelmed,” as much as some things aren’t going my way these days, is in a good way and am trying to count my blessings and be thankful for the amazing things I do have.  And I also need to remember that everytime I try to plan my own life or figure it out, it doesn’t work.  I need to leave that up to someone else 🙂

 

tomorrow it starts

So, I now have my diet pepsi addiction under control.  It was hard and painful, but the headaches have passed and SOME of the cravings. However, I had a harder time eating healthier during this time,……

so now that i have the DP issue under control for the most part, tomorrow I will conquer the healthy eating and exercising again.  I was out with a friend last week and she inspired me with something she is doing.  Couch to 5km.  http://www.c25k.com/  Basically it trains you to go from nothing to being able to run a 5km and train for it properly, within a reasonable amount of time.  It might take me longer than the 8 weeks my app says it will or the 9 here, but I have a goal and this is what I am working towards.  I will continue to do My Fitness Pal as well.

I am making Quinoa as I type – I am going to try ALLLLL kinds of new things! I am too old to say I don’t like something that I have never even tried!!! haha

So….here goes!!! Wish me luck ya’ll – I NEEED it!!! xo

 

1 month

Last night, I asked Mark what time it was, he said – Midnight.  At the same time we both thought/said – It’s been a month since the miscarriage…….a month.

It has been quite the month for me, a miscarriage and all of the emotional and physical things that go along with that, a brand new position at work, crazy amounts of school work, going off Diet Pepsi, and my grandpa’s health taking a crappy negative turn for the worse.

As I sit here, I have tears in my eyes, I am overwhelmed today by emotion.  Since just a couple days after the miscarriage, I haven’t really cried about that or much of anything.  I have been kinda numb.  Last night, after I left my grandparents, I have been emotional.  I am SO happy, thankful, blessed and lucky, but some days; you just need to cry.  I feel sad that I am not having a baby, I feel sad that my grandpa is in so much pain, I feel sad that my grams is exhausted because she cares for the man she has loved for like close to 60 years, and STILL loves him so much,(which I find BEYOND inspiring) and sadly, I do miss Diet Pepsi!!!

Last week I was talking with my gramma about how she was dealing with my grampa being so sick and things not being great.  She said – “well I know what will happen,” and I asked how she feels about that…. Her response made me SO overwhelmed, I called my sister right away to tell her.  She said – “I know I will be fine, because I have all of you.  Our family is so close and I know I will be fine.” She also said she has always felt like we were so close like a mother/daughter relationship – I left there feeling SO lucky.

Anyhow – I am all over the place today, just needed to vent out all the things I have been thinking in my head for the last month. Wow, it’s been a wild ride, but I wouldn’t change it for anything.

1 month later, I get to celebrate one of the cutest/most inspiring little kids I know – my niece Vanessa.  She is SO  smart, loving, caring, sweet, funny, and just plain cool – she was my first niece or nephew and I will NEVER forget that feeling…..ever. xo

 

Diet Pepsi

I have an addiction. To diet Pepsi. It’s a bad one.
Here’s how I knew I had an actual problem.
So I drink one dp every day, sometimes 2, but that is rare. This had been a regular habit since 2003-ish.

This past weekend I had decided to cut back-I bought a bottle so I could just have some at a time and not waste the can. So Monday I came home from my first day at my new job, made healthy choices and NO DP – a little stressful but no big deal. I had 8 assignments to be working on. One due that day the other 7 by Thurs.
I could NOT even function. Not even joking.  I was in pain and my telltale sign of DP withdrawal is a headache-I don’t really get them otherwise. I felt like it was a migraine. It literally disabled me.
How ridiculous is that?!
Therefore – my sweet husband enabled me because he knew I needed to be able to do some homework and got me one. I felt amazing within 30 min….
So I have a goal – by this weekend to no longer drink DP or have it in my home AND make all attempts to stay away from Aspartame and other artificial sweeteners. 🙂

Doesn’t it look SOOOO delicious!!!! Mmmmmmmmmmm

 

GRANDparents

This picture warms my heart and will forever remain SO special to me that BOTH of them were able to be there to support me and our wedding.

I was a lucky girl growing up – I had ALL FOUR of my grandparents until 2001.  I had very different relationships with both sets of grandparents but both were/are special in different ways.  My dad’s parents lived next door to me my entire childhood, literally.  Across the property! They looked after us often before school and we would come off the bus and go hang out there til our parents came home from work.  We had Bisquits (a dutch treat I don’t know how to spell!!) and would watch our grandpa twiddle his thumbs in the sunroom while he watched us play.  We had a typical grandparent relationship with them.  Loved to visit and be with them, I have SO many amazing memories of them.  My Grandma got to meet Vanessa, only as a baby, but to me that was SUCH a special thing.  I wish I had a picture!!! On my dad’s side; my grandpa passed away in 2001 and then my grandma in 2006.

My mom’s parents, I have always referred to them as my young grandparents.  They are quite a bit younger than my other grandparents were.  They helped my mom A LOT with me when I was a baby (colic) 😦 and I think maybe that is why we had bonded so well.  I always felt like I can tell them anything and they won’t judge me.  My grandpa worked at GM and was retired for as long as I can remember.  We used to go on bike rides from Vineland to the Parkway in the Falls, fishing, Port Dover and they even came and supported Nick at his graduation from the RCMP in Regina, Alberta.  That made me SOOOO happy.

My grandpa has always been SO strong, he has had SO many different kinds of cancers, holes drilled into his skull because of a hematoma, diabetes FOREVER and the list goes on – I always joke with him that he is like a cat and has 9 lives!! He is a true fighter. He is in the hospital right now, as he is in so much pain, it’s unmanageable.  I PRAY SO hard that he will come out and continue to fight, but I just felt I needed to pay tribute of some sorts to all 4 of the amazing people that affected my life in a HUGE way.  I feel SO blessed that I enjoyed all 4 of them for so long and am grateful to still have 2 living.

GRANDparents are just that. xoxo

 

My Fitness Pal

So, this isn’t something I told myself I would never write about but after giving it MUCH thought, maybe I NEED to write about it.

I suck at working out, I suck at eating healthy over long periods of time, I suck at commitment in this area period! I have been doing lots of researching lately and talking to people in my position and I am definitely NOT blaming my weight/health on my job, but I am REALLY starting to see how working shift work can mess with your life.  Lots of these things are not new to me.  About 10 years ago when I started there, I basically had to give up all my commitments.  I could no longer commit to anything.  I worked every other weekend, and switching from days to afternoon every other week.  How can you commit to anything when you will miss every other week, if not more?! I made some attempts with school and a LIFE group, but it was SO difficult, I eventually gave up.  I miss having a LIFE group, I wish I could play baseball and hockey again, I just want to be able to be a part of things again!   Next Monday I start my new position where I work Mon-Thurs 8-4,….so I have high hopes for my life!!! 🙂

Another issue is sleep.  I am one of those people, I don’t like to sleep in late – I feel like I have wasted my day if I do.  PROBLEM – I am a night owl, so when I work til 11 it’s great, I often am up til around 2am.  It used to be closer to 3 or 4am…but I am growing up!!!!  The problem is then I wake up by 8 or 9am and just never get caught up on sleep.

Now, another issue is eating habits.  When you work days – it’s fine, but when you work afternoons, I often don’t eat all morning til noon.  Then dinner, you eat around 5…well by 11:30pm, you are hungry again. As you can see it’s a vicious cycle.  I am REALLY hoping that working mostly 8-4’s will help this issue along with the sleep.

I have some goals, that a couple months ago, I would never have shared, but maybe I need to put it out there – accountability?!?!?

Last January I lost 24 pounds, and felt like I was on a FABULOUS path to taking control back.  After a cruise in late February and some crappy realizations (I didn’t eat all that bad on the cruise and we were out walking etc every day – I gained like 8lbs in 10 days-depressing) I got peeved and gave up!  Then when I got pregnant, I took the bull by the horns and lost weight, not cause I was vomiting every day-I was fine, but exercising daily and eating great.  My Doctor was so proud!  Since the miscarriage, I have been eating horribly.  I definitely realized I am an emotional eater.  BUT I need to stop this cycle.  I want to exercise 4 times a week and continue to follow my fitness pal.  I have been following MFP for months, but as of the last 6 weeks have probably been over in calories most days.

I have dreams.  I want to be healthy for kids one day, I want to run a 5 or 10K, I want to join a running club, I want to play sports again and not feel insecure, I want to feel good again.  I do go for walks a lot and love hikes, but I want the real deal – a race!!! I especially want to do this one day!!!! http://toughmudder.com/

I don’t ever want to diet or for this to be a fad, I want it to be a lifestyle change.  I want to eat pizza sometimes, probably still drink Diet Pepsi and randomly go to BP, but overall, I just want this to be my lifestyle, not just for a season.

Cheers!  Here we go again!!

 

 

Grief

Grief myth – Tears of grief are a sign of weakness.

Truth – Crying is a way of releasing tension and emotion.  It also communicates to others the need to be comforted.  One who expresses tears shows their willingness to work through their grief.

So, this has been weighing on my mind A LOT this past week.  Last Thursday, I was 13 weeks pregnant.  I woke up at 6am to get ready for my day shift and by 6:45, I knew I was no longer pregnant.  That is when the grief started.  First I was mortified by what was happening physically, then sad and in disbelief and now that most of the physical symptoms have ceased; the grief has set in.

Miscarriage.  Studies say it happens in 1 of every 4 pregnancies.  Because 80% of miscarriages happen in the first trimester, the overall risk of miscarriage after the first trimester is about 3%.  I was in the 2nd trimester,  only by 1 week.  But it was still one week.

The support by those who knew (which wasn’t many) has been OVERWHELMING.  Mark and I hadn’t told anyone other than family and a few super close friends.  That was mostly my doing.  I had this weird paranoia.  I just wanted to hear a heartbeat….something to know all was ok, before I brought people onto this amazing journey we were embarking on.  Well that day I miscarried was the day we were to hear it.  It never came.  

As sad as I am and right now, just taking each day as it comes; what comes to mind often is how BLESSED we are.  Like I said, the support has been amazing.  Truthfully, there isn’t a word strong enough to show my appreciation.  We have the BEST families.  We were sent flowers, cookies, prayers, many phone calls, texts and even a drive over just for a hug. 🙂 OVERWHELMED is still where I am at.  

This has probably been one of the most challenging things I have been through – realizing that NO MATTER WHAT, I have this amazing family and most importantly, a husband who stepped up like I never expected!  I don’t mean that in a rude way – he is amazing.  If you have read any of my other posts – you know all too well that I feel this way 🙂 He came right home (he was on his way to work as well) and spent the next 4 days with me.  Crying together, laughing together, being with family and just being.  As hard as those first few days were it also brought me such a sense of relief.  It made me realize that we can take it.  We can handle anything together.  We just need faith, family, friends and eachother. 

Having a natural miscarrige was gross, painful, and so traumatic.  It is not something I would wish for anyone.  I know Mark and I were both surprised how attached we actually were already.  Like I said, I knew before 7am that morning that I had miscarried.  I felt so upset, delivering the fetus and what all comes along with that is honestly the grossest thing.  I felt like I needed my Doctor to come over and just check.  Just tell me that it was real.  I was definitely in denial for a bit, which felt strange cause I knew right away.  I think when your mind just doesn’t want something to be true, it really messes with you!  I felt a sense of failure. I felt like I had just lost the last 3 months.  I followed all the rules! No alcohol, regular excersice, no deli meat, cut back HUGE on caffeine. (yes people, I only had one DP a day!!!) BUT, I have peace in believing these 2 things; God doesn’t give you more than you can handle, and He holds the plan for our life.  Maybe there was something wrong, I don’t know and never will, but I just have to trust in knowing these things. 

 

Montage

Here it is (thanks to the totally talented and AMAZING Dave Tebbutt)

It makes me smile and get goosebumps EVERY time I hear that song 🙂

I HEART Ben Rector!!!

I am in a mushy place these last few weeks, so bear with me…lots going on in my life.

xo Dani

 

Beginnings

December 2007, Mark Brien got a job at Bethesda-where I have been working since 2002.  We instantly clicked and just got along so well.  I am fairly shy, but at work I am in my element!!  I am me;  can be blunt, confident, loving, caring, silly, fun, honest and passionate.  I wish this was the ME I saw all the time!! (working on that!)

So early in 2008, I had just returned from a trip to Cali with an old high school friend – A-MAZING.  I loved every minute of that trip and will remember it forever!  Well Mark and I were texting a lot – I know – super lame! Anyhow – one thing led to another and just last week, it was 4 years that we have been together!

We got married October 23, 2010.  It was totally an amazing day.

Everyone always tells you, your wedding day is the best day of your life. it’s true.  🙂  There were a few monumental reasons it was amazing for me.  I got to marry a guy I never thought I would meet and get to have all to myself 😉 I declared in front of over 200 people, that MARK ANDREW SPENCER BRIEN – you are the one for me.  That isn’t scary is it?!?! It for me was also an expression of accountability.  Anyone who knows me knows I was scared to commit.  Not because I am afraid I will cheat, or can’t be in a monogamous relationship – it is for fear of failure.  Marriage isn’t always going to be easy, and that is scary for me – much less scary now.  I know that Mark and I will fight together through whatever and I mean WHATEVER comes our way, and make it out still breathing, loving and stronger than before.  Another reason I loved my wedding day was that you get to have basically everyone you care about, all in one room and all for you!  Wow – talk about feeling supported!!  I felt like Mark and I got to tell everyone and ask for God’s help, that we want to start this crazy journey together have a blast while doing it!!

We have 2 of the CUTEST dogs alive 🙂 see for yourself!

Our first year of marriage was….amazing, difficult, adventurous, fun, hard and perfect.

Mark lost his contract full time position right before we got married (a pregnant woman from another area, “bumped” him out), and therefore, there were lots of tough times/months; things we NEVER thought we would face…ESPECIALLY in the first year of marriage.

We travelled to Barbados for our honeymoon, where a hurricane hit.  It was an experience to say the least.  A hurricane hadn’t hit there in almost 40 years, but obviously on our honeymoon, it would!!! We then left for St. Lucia, which was pretty much destroyed by the hurricane also. We had the best time though, played games by candlelight, (there was no power for days!) went swimming, read, talked and explored!

A couple months later, we went with friends on a cruise of the Carribean – sooooo fun! We saw so many places and spent much needed quality time together.

Mark got a full time job late summer 2011 and now he is permanent there!

We own 1 rental property, we sold the other house this past summer. (2 was too much)

I still work at Bethesda full time and my husband now works full time in Oakville at a place called ROCK http://rockonline.ca/